Ive been offered a job as a nanny. $180p/w, free board and esentials such as power, water, foor ect. I dont know if Im going to take it though. It depends what I want to do; Im looking at traveling before I have to settle down for three and a half years while I study. If I decide to stay here Ill do nannying, Im doing the Certificate in Early child care anyway, because I want to work in a childrens hospital. Might be good practice. I know nursing might not be every ones idea of a great job, especially a childrens nurse. But Ive always wanted to do this. I didnt realise untill recently though, Living with my Dad and then my Grandad, I was surrounded with the aircraft noncence. Its only been since Ive left that I realised what I want to do, not what everyone else wants me to.

Im not staying in Auckland. Dov and I are talking about leaving together. going down south, travel, be tourists and have fun. Honestly I wouldnt want to do it with anyone else at the moment. He is one of the few people I fully trust. I dont know why, Is it stupidity? I dont know him very well, but he seems cool. Then again this is how I got into trouble last time. Trusting to easy. Its not a good trait. Not really. Regardless, I trust him, and that is all there is to it at the moment.

I miss the open spaces of being out of a city, I miss the quiet, I miss the stars, I miss freedom, I miss green fields, I miss my family; believe it or not. I do miss them. I dont know why. I really dont. I hated it there, but I guess I cant change the fact they are my family. As much as sometimes I wish I could, I cant, and I think Ive started to learn how to deal with it.

Someone once said, Love is a dedication, A promise, The truth. I dont believe you can have a relationship without these three things, You need to be dedicated. You need to love one. You need promises to keep, promise to love, promise to try, promise tobe there. You need the truth. There shouldnt be lies, It tears the relationship appart. Am I bad that I find more comfort in Dov then Hayden? Am I bad that I trust him more? Am I bad that I dont trust hayden as much, Am I bad that I dont make promises I intend to keep, Am I bad I cant tell him this?

I need to talk to him.
I need to sort my mind out.
I need someone who wants me for me, not the act I put on for them.
Will I find them?



Who has loved that has not loved at first sight?